Some days.

[apolla]

There are some days I just want to break my 'hardly no drink' rule and just have done.
There are days I truly wonder what the fuck I'm supposed to do with my life.
There are days when I actually look at job opportunities and realise that all the good stuff requires experience I don't have and can't get without such jobs. I could get something secretarial of course, but if I actually get my project done, I'll have two degrees. How many secretaries, admirable though the job is, have MAs?
Of course, most days I really don't want to be a journalist, so I don't mind.
Most days I would actually like money. Except that money was never a catalyst for me, so it doesn't bother me as much as it should.
Most days I feel like a total child. Being 22, living at home and not even having a driving licence let alone a car, probably have something to do with it. The way my mama treats me probably has something to do with it. I know I make a big thing of acting childishly, but that's not quite the same as being a child.

Days like this, I want to join Jim, Errol and my cast of thousands. I don't feel suicidal, but I just want to be with these people I feel might possibly understand how I feel. Reading about Philip Lynott yesterday, I was reminded of how he seems to have gone the same way as Elvis (slowly dying, slowly destroying oneself, rather than the Crash and Burn Morrison way). He idolised Elvis to a point I idolise him, to the point I idolise Jim. These people would understand. I am so utterly tired of this world, where we don't even bother pretending to believe politicians and they don't even bother pretending to tell the truth. A world where there are universities giving out free iPods to those lucky enough to afford said university... but charging so much money that most people will never be able to afford it (This isn't an attack on Duke, btw, just an attack on education in general). A world where gangs of teens roaming the streets causing hell aren't just scaremonger tactics by the anti-teen brigade but genuine realities. A world where Labour are slightly to the leftt of Atilla the Hun and Margaret Thatcher isn't being tried for crimes against humanity.
A world that tells us to go to university, but doesn't let us get a job afterwards or afford anything. A world that consistently shites upon itself, but pretends it doesn't. A world where Labour means Conservative, left means right, up means down, yes means no, no means no and we all fucking hate each other.
The Protestants still hate the Catholics still hate the Protestants.
The Israelis still hate the Palestinians still hate the Israelis.
Tottenham Hotspur still suck.
My grandmother is still dead.
Jim is still dead.
Errol is still dead.
Philip is still dead.
George is still dead.
John is still murdered.
Phil Collins is still a talentless bucket of shit.

I'd become some mad, eccentric writer, cloistered away somewhere, just writing. But I don't have the money for a cloister and I've never finished anything original that didn't totally angsty-sixth-former-suck.

There are some days I just want to break my 'hardly no drink' rule and just have done.
There are days I truly wonder what the fuck I'm supposed to do with my life.
There are days when I actually look at job opportunities and realise that all the good stuff requires experience I don't have and can't get without such jobs. I could get something secretarial of course, but if I actually get my project done, I'll have two degrees. How many secretaries, admirable though the job is, have MAs?
Of course, most days I really don't want to be a journalist, so I don't mind.
Most days I would actually like money. Except that money was never a catalyst for me, so it doesn't bother me as much as it should.
Most days I feel like a total child. Being 22, living at home and not even having a driving licence let alone a car, probably have something to do with it. The way my mama treats me probably has something to do with it. I know I make a big thing of acting childishly, but that's not quite the same as being a child.

Days like this, I want to join Jim, Errol and my cast of thousands. I don't feel suicidal, but I just want to be with these people I feel might possibly understand how I feel. Reading about Philip Lynott yesterday, I was reminded of how he seems to have gone the same way as Elvis (slowly dying, slowly destroying oneself, rather than the Crash and Burn Morrison way). He idolised Elvis to a point I idolise him, to the point I idolise Jim. These people would understand. I am so utterly tired of this world, where we don't even bother pretending to believe politicians and they don't even bother pretending to tell the truth. A world where there are universities giving out free iPods to those lucky enough to afford said university... but charging so much money that most people will never be able to afford it (This isn't an attack on Duke, btw, just an attack on education in general). A world where gangs of teens roaming the streets causing hell aren't just scaremonger tactics by the anti-teen brigade but genuine realities. A world where Labour are slightly to the leftt of Atilla the Hun and Margaret Thatcher isn't being tried for crimes against humanity.
A world that tells us to go to university, but doesn't let us get a job afterwards or afford anything. A world that consistently shites upon itself, but pretends it doesn't. A world where Labour means Conservative, left means right, up means down, yes means no, no means no and we all fucking hate each other.
The Protestants still hate the Catholics still hate the Protestants.
The Israelis still hate the Palestinians still hate the Israelis.
Tottenham Hotspur still suck.
My grandmother is still dead.
Jim is still dead.
Errol is still dead.
Philip is still dead.
George is still dead.
John is still murdered.
Phil Collins is still a talentless bucket of shit.

I'd become some mad, eccentric writer, cloistered away somewhere, just writing. But I don't have the money for a cloister and I've never finished anything original that didn't totally angsty-sixth-former-suck.

I'm still fucking tired. I've been tired since about 1993 and I'm tired of it. And I'm still making jokes. Who decided I was going to be the 'funny one'?

I'm so tired. So I'll do what I always do in situations like this: sleep. What dreams may come. It's 4.10am... really should get to sleep before my brother goes to work, don't you think?

Comments

[marquiserachel.livejournal.com]

Oh that lovely 'no job without experience, but no experience because of trying to get required qualifications' thing... however are we supposed to get along in a system as shite as this?
try not to let it get you down too much my darling girl, it'll all come out in the wash or something.