Some days.

[apolla]

There are some days I just want to break my 'hardly no drink' rule and just have done.
There are days I truly wonder what the fuck I'm supposed to do with my life.
There are days when I actually look at job opportunities and realise that all the good stuff requires experience I don't have and can't get without such jobs. I could get something secretarial of course, but if I actually get my project done, I'll have two degrees. How many secretaries, admirable though the job is, have MAs?
Of course, most days I really don't want to be a journalist, so I don't mind.
Most days I would actually like money. Except that money was never a catalyst for me, so it doesn't bother me as much as it should.
Most days I feel like a total child. Being 22, living at home and not even having a driving licence let alone a car, probably have something to do with it. The way my mama treats me probably has something to do with it. I know I make a big thing of acting childishly, but that's not quite the same as being a child.

Days like this, I want to join Jim, Errol and my cast of thousands. I don't feel suicidal, but I just want to be with these people I feel might possibly understand how I feel. Reading about Philip Lynott yesterday, I was reminded of how he seems to have gone the same way as Elvis (slowly dying, slowly destroying oneself, rather than the Crash and Burn Morrison way). He idolised Elvis to a point I idolise him, to the point I idolise Jim. These people would understand. I am so utterly tired of this world, where we don't even bother pretending to believe politicians and they don't even bother pretending to tell the truth. A world where there are universities giving out free iPods to those lucky enough to afford said university... but charging so much money that most people will never be able to afford it (This isn't an attack on Duke, btw, just an attack on education in general). A world where gangs of teens roaming the streets causing hell aren't just scaremonger tactics by the anti-teen brigade but genuine realities. A world where Labour are slightly to the leftt of Atilla the Hun and Margaret Thatcher isn't being tried for crimes against humanity.
A world that tells us to go to university, but doesn't let us get a job afterwards or afford anything. A world that consistently shites upon itself, but pretends it doesn't. A world where Labour means Conservative, left means right, up means down, yes means no, no means no and we all fucking hate each other.
The Protestants still hate the Catholics still hate the Protestants.
The Israelis still hate the Palestinians still hate the Israelis.
Tottenham Hotspur still suck.
My grandmother is still dead.
Jim is still dead.
Errol is still dead.
Philip is still dead.
George is still dead.
John is still murdered.
Phil Collins is still a talentless bucket of shit.

I'd become some mad, eccentric writer, cloistered away somewhere, just writing. But I don't have the money for a cloister and I've never finished anything original that didn't totally angsty-sixth-former-suck.

There are some days I just want to break my 'hardly no drink' rule and just have done.
There are days I truly wonder what the fuck I'm supposed to do with my life.
There are days when I actually look at job opportunities and realise that all the good stuff requires experience I don't have and can't get without such jobs. I could get something secretarial of course, but if I actually get my project done, I'll have two degrees. How many secretaries, admirable though the job is, have MAs?
Of course, most days I really don't want to be a journalist, so I don't mind.
Most days I would actually like money. Except that money was never a catalyst for me, so it doesn't bother me as much as it should.
Most days I feel like a total child. Being 22, living at home and not even having a driving licence let alone a car, probably have something to do with it. The way my mama treats me probably has something to do with it. I know I make a big thing of acting childishly, but that's not quite the same as being a child.

Days like this, I want to join Jim, Errol and my cast of thousands. I don't feel suicidal, but I just want to be with these people I feel might possibly understand how I feel. Reading about Philip Lynott yesterday, I was reminded of how he seems to have gone the same way as Elvis (slowly dying, slowly destroying oneself, rather than the Crash and Burn Morrison way). He idolised Elvis to a point I idolise him, to the point I idolise Jim. These people would understand. I am so utterly tired of this world, where we don't even bother pretending to believe politicians and they don't even bother pretending to tell the truth. A world where there are universities giving out free iPods to those lucky enough to afford said university... but charging so much money that most people will never be able to afford it (This isn't an attack on Duke, btw, just an attack on education in general). A world where gangs of teens roaming the streets causing hell aren't just scaremonger tactics by the anti-teen brigade but genuine realities. A world where Labour are slightly to the leftt of Atilla the Hun and Margaret Thatcher isn't being tried for crimes against humanity.
A world that tells us to go to university, but doesn't let us get a job afterwards or afford anything. A world that consistently shites upon itself, but pretends it doesn't. A world where Labour means Conservative, left means right, up means down, yes means no, no means no and we all fucking hate each other.
The Protestants still hate the Catholics still hate the Protestants.
The Israelis still hate the Palestinians still hate the Israelis.
Tottenham Hotspur still suck.
My grandmother is still dead.
Jim is still dead.
Errol is still dead.
Philip is still dead.
George is still dead.
John is still murdered.
Phil Collins is still a talentless bucket of shit.

I'd become some mad, eccentric writer, cloistered away somewhere, just writing. But I don't have the money for a cloister and I've never finished anything original that didn't totally angsty-sixth-former-suck.

I'm still fucking tired. I've been tired since about 1993 and I'm tired of it. And I'm still making jokes. Who decided I was going to be the 'funny one'?

I'm so tired. So I'll do what I always do in situations like this: sleep. What dreams may come. It's 4.10am... really should get to sleep before my brother goes to work, don't you think?

Comments

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

*pets you* and did you repeat yourself intentionally?

How many secretaries, admirable though the job is, have MAs?

Unfortunately, where I live, the big joke is about all the M.A. waitresses and Ph.D. taxi drivers. So I guess I can't help you there. *pets you again*

[apolla.livejournal.com]

Thank you matey.

And yes, I was intentionally repetitive. Apparently the shiter I feel the more oratorical I get. Who knew?

[joycecohen.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

Firstly, the specific note. I'm sorry if my posting that about the iPod unintentionally upset you. Heck, I can't afford the damn place either, without the help of all the scholarship money I've gotten, and I'll probably feel like a poor cousin to everyone else there. I could write a whole rant about our crappy educational system, but instead, if it makes you feel better, you can think of it as a $20,000 iPod (that's the overhead in tuition over a public uni) instead of a free one.

But what I really wanted to say was...

Hey, the world is really a fucked up place. But, even though those are some great dead people you named, you don't need them to understand you when you've got live people who understand and agree and sympathize with you right here. *hugs again*

And about the driving... I'm 18 and never touched a steering wheel in my life. And I don't want to, either; too many maniacs on the road these days. So no worries about that. :)

[(Anonymous)]

Ah you're going through the same disillusioned phase I went through after leaving uni, i.e. what the f**k have I just spent all this money for exactly? Had an e-mail today informing me that it was a great time to be a graduate and that the average starting salary for a grad is 21K, what a load of bollox is all I can say to that. I don't know a single one of my mates (with the exception of a certain jammy git who shall remain unnamed) who earns that. Also I had another thought that this country does not value academics and it's generally really thick people that seem to have a lot of money -sigh, there's no justice. *hugs in agreement*. Lx

[marquiserachel.livejournal.com]

Oh that lovely 'no job without experience, but no experience because of trying to get required qualifications' thing... however are we supposed to get along in a system as shite as this?
try not to let it get you down too much my darling girl, it'll all come out in the wash or something.

[(Anonymous)]

I had an idea once that if I ever owned a company or was someone important I'd give all the inexperienced people a break. Maybe this is why I will never be rich and own a company or be someone important. At least the sentiment was there. Lx