Whistling Clarabella...

I just clicked a link on my People.com daily email...

And promptly forgot cos I looked up to the TV to see James Purefoy totally fucking naked courtesy of Rome. Did not see such things this weekend. There are worse people to see naked, but I think I could've lived without it. Gratuitous, Auntie Beeb, very gratuitous.

Anyway, not entirely unrelated, this People thing. 2005's Sexiest Men Alive, which by the name alone cuts out most of the people I could give a rat's arse about... so I'm flicking through it. Matthew McConaughey, snore. Patrick Dempsey, blah. Viggo Mortensen, again. Vince Vaughn, from a certain angle on a cloudy day, I suppose. Terrence Howard, don't know the dude. Nick Lachey, wtf.  Heath Ledger, understandable. Daniel Dae Kim, well I haven't seen Lost so I don't know. Keith Urban, who the fuck? but looks like one of Busted. Ian McShane, wha.... Ian McShane? Ian Leatherface McShane? IAN LOVEJOY MCSHANE? Seriously America, what are you thinking? Do you need to be told about the early 90s horror that was Lovejoy? A shitey Sunday night extravaganza of antique dealing and gently-gently detectiveness and the HORROR, the UNBRIDLED HORROR of the blazer-jeans combination. The CURLY FUCKING MULLET.

Please people, and indeed People, do not let this pass. I'm not ageist, I'm anti-fuckwit. He's a cool enough guy, but one of the sexiest alive this year? No, no, no.

Ronnie Barker died.

Many of you won't know who he is, much less care. Even those who do know will shrug sadly and say something like "oh, he was 76. Had a good innings, etc etc."

Fuck that. I'm not going to shrug it off, because he was, and will remain, the greatest of my comedy heroes. I learned a great deal from David Jason about the power of expressions, as much from Mark Lamarr about a well-timed jibe (and also where the line is and why not to cross it), but from Ronnie B I learned everything. Every eyebrow lift, every nuance of tone and timing, every double-take. And I'm not the only one. Where would Peter Kay be without Ronnie? Or Rob Brydon or Jack Dee or even The Great And Lofty David Jason himself?

Mind you, most of you already know that I adore Ronnie Barker. emony texted me this morning asking how I was. I hadn't heard the news yet, so she didn't say anything, but knowing that she knew I'd be upset is a strangely comforting thing to know. And proof that she's an excellent friend, too! *hugs*

You all wanna talk about the greatness of British comedy? If you're over the pond or an ocean or wherever else in the world, no, Monty Python is not the sum of it. Monty Python is not the greatest laugh ever. Check out Porridge and Open All Hours and everything Ronnie Barker ever touched.

The Pythons could make you laugh, but Ronnie Barker could make you feel like you'd die laughing. And you wouldn't mind.

Ronnie Barker was the kind of man who doesn't come along very often. A character actor and a comedian. Who else could even think of being Norman Stanley Fletcher AND Arkwright at the same time? A ginger ageing recidivist from Muswell Hill and a snowy-haired tight-wad of a Northern shopkeeper captivated the people of Britain, and they did it at the same time! Porridge ran from 73-77 with the film in 79, and Open All Hours ran 73-85. He did these two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT characters at the same time, and they're each so convincing that it's hard to tell they're not real people! And this alongside The Two Ronnies.

And anyone who could make RONNIE CORBETT appear amusing must be a GENIUS.

To any boys out there, remember this: make a girl laugh, really laugh, and you'll own her heart for ever. Ronnie Barker was not handsome. He was himself quiet and quite introverted. And yet he has a country mourning him, because laugh and the world laughs with you.

I have for many years gone on about Richard Beckinsale (yes, Vapid Kate's dad) and how funny he was. And he was, but he was always best stood next to Ronnie. Ronnie was, in my opinion, best stood next to Richard. And now, one hopes, they have joined together for some celestial porridge, as it was once called on the show.

And if I were God, I'd feel most lucky today. But I am not God, so I shall shed some tears as the voice of Ronnie Barker sends himself to prison in the introductory credits of Porridge. And then the man himself will turn up as the snarlingly charming Fletch and I know that I will laugh.

God love you Ronnie, and so do I.