A Valentine From Me To..

[apolla]

It's no secret that for the last 22 or so years I have been single. In fact,I have never been coupled. Normal people might not be fond of having such a statistic hanging over their heads but I don't really care. For a few years around 16-19 I was terrified I'd end up alone, but once Ally McBeal stopped being on my tv once a week I stopped caring.

This does mean that I've never, ever really 'got' Valentines Day. I do seeit as an excuse for card companies and the like to make lots of money during the long months between Crimbo and Easter, and I think I'd see it this way if I was getting cards.

I've never received a Valentine either... except for the ones Natasha sends because she still can't believe I've never had one. Again, I'm genuinely not bothered. I rarely know what day it is, let alone the date, so it usually passes me by just like every other day of the year (including my birthday sometimes).

But this year, I'm going to get into the spirit, after a fashion. I know I spend much of my time and journal-space yammering on at length about these people, but this is my valentine to my boys.

 

To Jim, I send you a big fat bottle of Jack Daniels, because I know that in Heaven it probably won't have any bad effects (this being Heaven, which is perfect). I have probably loved you forever, and I've come to understand that there is absolutely nothing that I could learn about you that would make me not love you. I could find out that you desecrated Errol Flynn's grave before calling all the Beatles gits and then getting into a fist-fight with Dean Martin about who Ilsa should've left with in Casablanca... and I would still love you. You're the angel on my right shoulder and the devil on my left shoulder. A comet that burned so bright that you're still leaving trails almost 40 years later. I have loved you forever, and I will love you forever, my Dionysian dream.

To John, I send peace. You were my first true rock and roll love and the first person other than me to get into my soul. I don't listen to you as much as I once did, but it's not because I got bored, it's because in a lot of ways I simply care too much. You have put me through the emotional wringer (remember 8th Dec 2000?) so many times that it is now too difficult to listen to some of your stuff. Although I think there are elements of all of my boys in me, you were the first and I suspect, the one most like me. You make me want to be a better human being, you have made me think and become a peaceful person. Without you, I'd never have been able to trulyconquer my fearsome, terrible, shameful temper. Without you, I wouldn't have bothered to try. You are the proof that people can change for the better.

To Errol, I send platonic love- something he thought was astounding but rarely had himself. I send you my everlasting but wholly platonic love, the love I've had for you since the first time you told me that you spoke two languages fluently- English and Treason. I send you the award for most beautiful man in the world ever, because I've searched high and low, long and wide and I've yet to find anyone more aesthetically perfect than you.

To Dean, I send my love and some Western movies. You have been the voice in my dreams for so long now that I can't imagine a life without you. You have the power over me that nobody else has- the power to calm me down. Your voice has always reached right into my soul and done whatever it set out to do- to charm me, to calm me, to make me laugh, to make me want to sob. In fact: I wish you health, but more than wealth, I wish you love.

To Percy, I send a packet of strepsils throat lozenges so that you are perfectly well for April. I can't quite believe that in a month or so, we might actually be in the same building. I know you've felt the same about your own heroes, but I don't intend to urinate on my shoes or steal your harmonica, so I think I have a slight edge on you. Q magazine's Psychedelic Special Edition described you as a human foghorn, and I agree. I agree and think you're fabulous. So what if some people think your voice is like Midlands nails on a blackboard? You're the exception to the rule that I like low voices as smooth as a measure of Jameson's whiskey. You're the greatest blues singer this country has ever produced, white or black, and I'm so glad you told your dad, so many years ago, that you weren't keen on becoming an accountant. 

As an addendum to this last entry, I send Logan Romero positive vibes. You're a great singer, no matter who your father is. You could be capable of moving mountains if you want, and I hope to God you try. If the music is your special friend, dance on fire as it intends. It's the only way.

To Philip, I send strength and contentment- things you never truly had when you were with us. You are the one who made me understand what it is to be at once Irish and an outsider. You are the one who helped me get to a point here I can have my English and Irish sides peacefully coexist inside my soul
without argument, the one who gives me hope that one day, I'll find somewhere I can truly call home. You are the one who I'd save first if I had the choice. You are the one who taught me that even great people, strongpeople, are capable of fatal weaknesses. You are the one who showed me that I can love truly imperfect people without reservation. You're the one I'dsave first, because I believe you're the one who lost the most.

To George, I send time. I can tell you exactly when I realised how truly fabulous you are- that moment in Camden Town, in the stables, looking at a copy of The Beatles Book with you (for once!) on the cover. "Gorgeous George!" it said. I suddenly stopped and realised, not so much that you were gorgeous, but that you were as worthy as certain other people who will remain nameless but whose names rhyme (roughly) with Bomb and Gaul. You are a guitar hero, but you're also the man who helped me realise I don't want to be famous. I want to be successful, but not famous, and you're the person who helped me realise there really is a difference between the two in rock and roll. I have cried for you because you were ripped away from us much too soon... but somehow, I can't help feeling that you left fulfilled in yourself, and that's much more important than me or guitars. John is the one I'm most like (a lot like, actually), but you're who I aspire to be like.

To Ava and Norma Jeane, I send my admiration. You are the women who made me want to be beautiful. Not to look the same as you, but to be beautiful in my own way. You are the two who proved to me that there is always more to the most beautiful than just a pretty face, and that it's what's beneath the face that really truly makes you outstandingly beautiful. Ava, you taught me that even the most beautiful woman in the world can have a mouth like a sailor, have had affairs with some of the most astounding men of her time and still craved a genuine home and been capable of making great gravy. You were the Have It All woman before Germaine Greer told the rest of us it was all right to want to all. Miss Monroe, you taught me that empty beauty isn't beauty at all, and that what makes you the most enduring beauty of modern times isn't really your face or body at all, but your smile and what was going on behind your eyes. You were also bloody funny, a good actress and I believe, a kind lady. What great things you might've achieved beyond 36- you might have proved that the woman famous for her looks didn't need them after all.

To the Daltreys and Moons, Taylor and Burtons, Hepburns, Gables, Sinatras, Connicks and Hendrix/Page/Clapton/Townshends of the world, know that while you're not in my heart to the same extent as my boys, my world would be drab, colourless and empty without you.

To the rest of you reading this, I send my love and thanks for making my life that bit more interesting, that bit nicer, funnier and colourful. For all the Dinos in the world, nothing compares to knowing that people out there in the world might be thinking of you. I must give a special shout out ali_granger , who I imagine is feeling quite shaken up at the moment. I know how you feel, and I shall be thinking of you today.