Don't ask...
Tuesday, 3 June 2003 01:12![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apollaI just finished writing this. Don't know what came over me. Take it as you will. Still can't get onto the HP DDD sequel, but I can come up with this trash.
Niagara Sinatra wasn't an ordinary girl. She was normally described as 'beautiful' and 'ravishing'. It was rumoured that she was descended from Helen of Troy, such was her beauty. She was tall and willowy, with flawless olive skin. Her hair was darker and yet more lustrous than even Ava Gardner's. Her eyes were a brighter shade of violet than Elizabeth Taylor's and her lips were fuller and yet more red than even Marilyn Monroe's. She looked as if she'd just stepped off a Milanese catwalk such was her sense of style, while her bright, friendly smile endeared her to all she met.
Where she went, grown men cried, knowing that this was an untouchable goddess far above them. Where she went, grown women sobbed, knowing that they would never be as beautiful as she. Where she went, babies ceased their crying, painters begged to capture her in oils forever and writers proclaimed her their eternal muse. She was widely rumoured to have helped broker peace in Northern Ireland, helped the Royal Family rehabilitate their image and teach Posh Spice to sing.
This was not the full extent of her powers, however. When she was seventeen years old, her mother died in a mysterious accident on Kilburn High Road and two days later, Niagara discovered that she was really a witch. She was enrolled in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the very next day.
On arriving at Hogwarts, she was immediately sorted into Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat's very words were that she was "more of a Gryffindor than Godric Gryffindor and Harry Potter put together." Despite her complete lack of magical knowledge, she was put straight into the best classes and within a week beat Hermione Granger in tests. She gained Professor Snape's undying respect by discovering a permanent cure for lycanthropy, while becoming Professor McGonagall's pet student by learning to become an animagus within two and a half weeks at the school. Her animagus was a beautiful, perfect white dove.
By the time the Yule Ball came along (because the first had been such a success the Headmaster couldn't possibly imagine not holding another) she had the entire male student body fighting over who would be her date, from the little firsties to the most sought after young men in the school.
"Please say you'll take me!" begged Draco Malfoy, on his knees in front of the entire school one morning over breakfast.
"I shall think about it, Draco," Niagara replied in her velvety smooth voice. He looked like he might bend down to kiss her feet but thought the better of it and scampered away to his table.
Two minutes later, Harry Potter (AKA the Hunk Who Lived, AKA Hogwarts' Most Eligible Bachelor 1996/7) arrived at the table in full black tie. He presented Niagara with a dozen red roses and got down onto his knees just as Draco had.
"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day..." he began before hastily rushing through the rest of the sonnet. He then gave her a small velvet box.
"What is it?" she asked, opening the box quite eagerly. Inside was a glittering diamond, almost as large as the Hope Diamond or the Coeur de la Mer, set into a finely crafted platinum ring.
"This was my mother's ring and her mother's before that," Harry said. "It would make me the happiest minor in the world if you'd consent to marry me. We can do that in Scotland, you know."
"Oh Harry," she said with a happy sigh, allowing him to push the giant stone onto her delicate finger. "I'd love to!"
Everyone in the Great Hall began applauding and whooping, even Draco Malfoy, who now understood that Harry and Niagara's love was so pure and true.
Harry and Niagara were married in the Great Hall by Professor Dumbledore on the night of the Yule Ball. Niagara wore a dress sewn from lace made by deaf and blind nuns in a remote Portuguese town. Her shoes were the same crystal slippers worn by Cinderella who, it transpired, was an ancestor of Niagara.
Two days after the wedding, Niagara sought out Lord Voldemort and single-handedly sent him and his Death Eaters all the way to Hell. This was handy because Harry hadn't really wanted to do it himself after all. Niagara was made the youngest head of the Order of the Phoenix in history before being made the youngest ever Minster of Magic.
Niagara and her husband had six children: James and Lily (the twins), Ron, Hermione, Ginny and little baby Niagara Jr. They lived blissfully, perfectly happily ever after.
The Perfect, Lovely End.
***
A few hundred miles away and a few years later, a bored university student shot up in bed in a cold sweat, shaking with horror. She got out of bed and switched on her computer. The blue glow of the screen lit her room rather murkily. As she checked her 'My Documents' folder, she breathed a sigh of relief. There was no Niagara.
The Actual End.
Quite clearly, I am mad.
Niagara Sinatra wasn't an ordinary girl. She was normally described as 'beautiful' and 'ravishing'. It was rumoured that she was descended from Helen of Troy, such was her beauty. She was tall and willowy, with flawless olive skin. Her hair was darker and yet more lustrous than even Ava Gardner's. Her eyes were a brighter shade of violet than Elizabeth Taylor's and her lips were fuller and yet more red than even Marilyn Monroe's. She looked as if she'd just stepped off a Milanese catwalk such was her sense of style, while her bright, friendly smile endeared her to all she met.
Where she went, grown men cried, knowing that this was an untouchable goddess far above them. Where she went, grown women sobbed, knowing that they would never be as beautiful as she. Where she went, babies ceased their crying, painters begged to capture her in oils forever and writers proclaimed her their eternal muse. She was widely rumoured to have helped broker peace in Northern Ireland, helped the Royal Family rehabilitate their image and teach Posh Spice to sing.
This was not the full extent of her powers, however. When she was seventeen years old, her mother died in a mysterious accident on Kilburn High Road and two days later, Niagara discovered that she was really a witch. She was enrolled in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the very next day.
On arriving at Hogwarts, she was immediately sorted into Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat's very words were that she was "more of a Gryffindor than Godric Gryffindor and Harry Potter put together." Despite her complete lack of magical knowledge, she was put straight into the best classes and within a week beat Hermione Granger in tests. She gained Professor Snape's undying respect by discovering a permanent cure for lycanthropy, while becoming Professor McGonagall's pet student by learning to become an animagus within two and a half weeks at the school. Her animagus was a beautiful, perfect white dove.
By the time the Yule Ball came along (because the first had been such a success the Headmaster couldn't possibly imagine not holding another) she had the entire male student body fighting over who would be her date, from the little firsties to the most sought after young men in the school.
"Please say you'll take me!" begged Draco Malfoy, on his knees in front of the entire school one morning over breakfast.
"I shall think about it, Draco," Niagara replied in her velvety smooth voice. He looked like he might bend down to kiss her feet but thought the better of it and scampered away to his table.
Two minutes later, Harry Potter (AKA the Hunk Who Lived, AKA Hogwarts' Most Eligible Bachelor 1996/7) arrived at the table in full black tie. He presented Niagara with a dozen red roses and got down onto his knees just as Draco had.
"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day..." he began before hastily rushing through the rest of the sonnet. He then gave her a small velvet box.
"What is it?" she asked, opening the box quite eagerly. Inside was a glittering diamond, almost as large as the Hope Diamond or the Coeur de la Mer, set into a finely crafted platinum ring.
"This was my mother's ring and her mother's before that," Harry said. "It would make me the happiest minor in the world if you'd consent to marry me. We can do that in Scotland, you know."
"Oh Harry," she said with a happy sigh, allowing him to push the giant stone onto her delicate finger. "I'd love to!"
Everyone in the Great Hall began applauding and whooping, even Draco Malfoy, who now understood that Harry and Niagara's love was so pure and true.
Harry and Niagara were married in the Great Hall by Professor Dumbledore on the night of the Yule Ball. Niagara wore a dress sewn from lace made by deaf and blind nuns in a remote Portuguese town. Her shoes were the same crystal slippers worn by Cinderella who, it transpired, was an ancestor of Niagara.
Two days after the wedding, Niagara sought out Lord Voldemort and single-handedly sent him and his Death Eaters all the way to Hell. This was handy because Harry hadn't really wanted to do it himself after all. Niagara was made the youngest head of the Order of the Phoenix in history before being made the youngest ever Minster of Magic.
Niagara and her husband had six children: James and Lily (the twins), Ron, Hermione, Ginny and little baby Niagara Jr. They lived blissfully, perfectly happily ever after.
The Perfect, Lovely End.
***
A few hundred miles away and a few years later, a bored university student shot up in bed in a cold sweat, shaking with horror. She got out of bed and switched on her computer. The blue glow of the screen lit her room rather murkily. As she checked her 'My Documents' folder, she breathed a sigh of relief. There was no Niagara.
The Actual End.
Quite clearly, I am mad.
