(no subject)

[apolla]

My guitar playing barely scrapes 'perfunctory'. I mean, I can play arpeggio chords. I can strum them if I'm not required to come up with actual rhythm. Anything more completely eludes me unless it's written down in music and classical. And if I learned it ten years ago.

I can't write music. I can't write melodies, I can't write riffs. I can't even put together a half-decent chord sequence. I can just about steal someone else's chord sequence, but even then I can't sing a new melody over it. It was great to hear The Boys Are Back In Town regurgitated from my own brain but without the inherent joy and lyrical greatness of the original.

I have no music in my head. I cannot create it from scratch. Even if I could, I couldn't play it because I can't play the fucking guitar unless you're happy to hear Am D G arpeggiated over and over again. I might manage a Bm if you're very nice.

So why the fuck do I continue with the illusion that I could ever rule the world? I can't do it at all, let alone well. Has everyone just been humouring me, waiting for me to give it up on my own? Because that was never going to happen. I was meant to do this, wasn't I?

But how can I, when there's no music in my fucking soul? I think it must always been like this- I had to steal one of George Harrison's obscurer melodies to kick start something at school. Everyone said it was dead catchy. Course it was- it was written by a genius.

I'm a fucking fraud, it turns out. I'm no more a musician than Jessica Simpson is a musician.

Right, I'm ready to die.

Comments

[allthatisgold.livejournal.com]

Clare, if I were more coherent and less stressed right now (this is the apology/warning, heh), I would say something much more inspiring than "you are not a fraud!" but, alas, I am pretty much going to say that for lack of better or more intelligent thoughts. You are not a fraud. You cannot be, I know you're not. You are incredibly talented, and you have a sincerely unique and inspiring love for music that I have seen in no one else I've ever known...and that's important. You love what you do, don't you? I think that matters a lot. And gosh, I think of you as a musician--a talented one at that. You just haven't found your exact place in the music world yet, but that can take time...and I know you will find it because you want to, and you need to :).

That probably makes no sense, but I swear that it's true (or at least the parts that are coherent are true, hehe).

*hugs*