In which I hate the world and all its inhabitants.

[apolla]

I cannot begin to describe how utterly dejected, how completely down and at odds with the world I feel right now.

Actually, that's a lie. I can do it, because after all, this is nothing new. I've been at odds with the world since March 1982. I've been down and dejected since September 1993, when I turned up for prison duty at a school which still insists it doesn't have a bullying problem.

I know that most people have problems finding a good job. I do not, have never, expected employers to fall at my feet begging to employ me. I was hoping that someone might give me a chance. So far, the only person to do so is the editor of the local paper, and it was for no money. I appreciate I don't have much experience, but I have other skills and qualities to offer the world. Hell, I'm even personable and friendly when the occasion calls for it.

I had at least hoped that slogging my weasley black guts out for four years at university, dealing with an ever decreasing amount of money in the bank, pulling all-nighters for essays, might at least get me a job of some kind. So far: Nothing. Niente. Nada. Nitto. I'm not even setting my sights high. I'm not shooting for the stars. I'm not asking to be made Controller of the BBC. I know I have to start at the bottom. In fact, I think it's the best way one learns one's craft. Thing is, nobody will let me on the bottom rung at all. I've sent so many applications I can't even remember all of them. The ones that bothered replying at all have said 'no, you don't fit our criteria'. Basically, fuck you very much, but no thank you.

To compound all of this, I don't even want to be a fucking journalist. I hate it. I want to sing for my supper.

Of course, I have even less experience of that. I haven't sung to people since I was in California, and that was essentially in front of the rest of Club SO.

I've always daydreamed of being a singer or an actress or something like that. I'm not alone in that, but I may be alone in knowing how hard it is to get there. I'm not expecting to be raking in millions by Christmas. I don't want to be. I just want to do something I love. I haven't ever been able to imagine living an ordinary life. Not ordinary at all. I used to think everyone thought like that, but it turns out that I was wrong. Some of my friends never dreamed of living an unordinary life. They're probably a lot happier than I am though.

I am so tired of living in my dream world. I'm tired of populating my life with dead people who cannot help me, cannot speak to me and probably wouldn't want to if they were alive and kicking. But you see, I have absolutely no idea how I'm meant to make the transition from dreams to reality. I really don't. I really, really don't. How do you do it? I really need someone to help me, because for the first time I've got absolutely no idea  how to do it. All I know is that I want to spend my days travelling the world singing with a band. I don't have a band and it's entirely possible that I can't sing.

I can't live an ordinary life. I'm not slagging off ordinary lives. On the contrary, I think they're probably great things. But I can't live an ordinary life. Which leads to the question: what the fuck do I do about getting to the unordinary?

Oh, I got my results back. I passed my MA. Just. Big fucking whoop. People still won't want to employ me.

I can't live an ordinary life. The world sucks and the universe sucks harder. Fuck it all.

Comments

Big sister-ish response

[elseinane.livejournal.com]

Clare - I say this will all love and compassion but my bluntness will overtake me, I am sure. Here is some free and highly likely worthless advice from someone 10 years ahead of you.

Time to grow up.

You want to do something you love? Get in the line. There are a few million people ahead of you.
Until then... how do you live an ordinary life? Get up in the morning - breathe in and out all day - put two feet in front of the other and do whatever you can find that will put food on the table and keep the lights on. Will you hate it? Highly likely. Does it have to be a boring existence? No. Unless you choose to let it define you.
You want to sing - go find a band. Want to act? Go out and start working on auditions. Will it pay the rent? Nope. So wait tables, tend bar... or one of the other annoying and boring jobs to pay the bills. Want to write? Do anything you can to get some by-lines under your belt and do telemarketing to get some money in your pocket.
Does it suck? Yes. You learn the rules of the game and you play by them. Or the game will play you. Period.
Dreams are wonderful and keep you going, but living requires much more cynical and pragmatic answers.

[heart-of-wine.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Since I can't give you a hug in person, let me try to help by relaying a story about a friend of mine. I offer this story as a potential source of inspiration, but please feel free to ignore or skip it if you're not in the mood, believe me, I won't be offended.

[ anecdote ]
Her name is Liz and she moved to New York because she wanted to get into acting. She worked in hotels as a front desk clerk during the mornings and days so should could audition, act, and rehearse by night. She didn't get a lot of sleep because sometimes she'd do the overnight shift. It was hard.

But she ended up getting some great exposure to folks in the entertainment industry. She decided to get into Directing and got her Master's degree in it. She's now in Hollywood directing indie films and doing what she loves to do.

[ /anecdote ]
[ advice, again, please feel free to skip ]
You can make it too, but you have to take a risk, bite the bullet and consier taking a suboptimal job that will help pay the rent (it sounds like you are willing to do this, but yes, it is really hard to find a job, even a suboptimal one). Most importantly, you can't let rejection after refection get you down because to be successful in the entertainment industry, you gotta have a thick skin. I'm talking alligator hide.

Don't settle for the ordinary when you can have the extraordinary. You can't catch a star if you don't reach for one, can you? (sorry... this sounds a bit corny, but I think you get my meaning)

[ /advice ]

Hope that helps!

Hugs,
Elia

[lissannej.livejournal.com]

Am sorry you're feeling so low about everything -- hope things look up soon.

[galigad.livejournal.com]

After the advice given by [b]elia[/b] and eliand504 ... what can I really say?

Except to echo eliand504's advice but clarify that *that* would have been the advice of someone 20 years ahead of you.

Grow up.

Truly.

Life, as someone once said, entails sacrifices... and part of the sacrifices come from having to take a lot of shit while trying to chase a dream. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: HOLD ON TO YOUR DREAMS.

Never give up on them -- even when you're buried to your eyeballs under a truckload of shit, even as you stare at your empty-minded employer with a single thought of killing him going through your mind, even as you slog from place to place trying to live your dream...

I would have to agree with them: do whatever it takes to place food on the table, and keep the lights burning (just don't go streetwalking for a living ;)) ... curse and call life shite every so often if it makes you feel better ... swallow down the bile and the need to bite someone's neck because you're becoming so frustrated about not 'getting the breaks.'

Everything happens in its own time.

You want to sing? So go out and audition ... work during the day and sneak out whenever you can. Or, alternately, sing your heart out at karaoke joints, wedding parties, birthday bashes, wherever life gives you a chance ...

Point is to *live* while doing what you want to do.

And grabbing the opportunity when it presents itself.

Take care ... *hugs*

gil

[fangexploring.livejournal.com]

Hi Clare,

I have not had the experience that you or any of the people who have commented, but I agree on the whole with what's been said. I am sorry if what I am going to say offend you or doesn't help in any way, please feel free to disregard the following.

One of the things I want to say is that no one is fully extraordinary or ordinary, everyone is different and even ordinary people are extraordinary in their own ways sometimes, just perhaps not visible to some/most. As you know, some of the best things are simple things in life, and even jobs, people, things that you don't like on the whole may have some redeeming aspects/qualities for you, if you are willing to give it a chance. For me, I think it is a balance to keep pursuing your dreams and being pragmatic in the process. It depends a lot on how much you want it and the length that you will go to sacrifice and trade off in the process, but of course there are external factors which are out of control, but the important thing is that you try, and I guess we all find out things we didn't know before as we go along.

I think that everyone is capable of pursuing his/her dreams, particularly someone as special as you. I wish that you don't lose the hope and faith in you. And friends and family are with you as you go.

Ken

late, I know

[no-remorse.livejournal.com]

*hugs*