Do you remember?
Saturday, 24 March 2012 15:29![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apollaSome years ago - 2009, in fact - I posted about hitting Magic 27. I was weirded out by outliving Jim, by being older than him.
And tomorrow, I make thirty. In a lot of ways, I assumed I'd never get this far. I looked after myself too badly physically, my mental state was too precarious. I simply couldn't see how I would possibly survive this long.
I did survive. In some small ways, I've even prospered. The human spirit has great capacity for suffering without breaking, the human body has great capacity for healing itself enough to survive.
I'll be thirty tomorrow. The evil voice in my head, quieted but not silenced, tells me that from now I can't wear the wacky vintage clothes i wear - only twentysomethings can pull that off! Well bollocks. I'll wear what the fuck I want to wear when I'm thirty, or ninety or points in between.
I can't tell you I'm cured of my many issues. I made homemade salsa for the first time today - and ate the whole bloody lot even though I'm off to a restaurant for birthday in less than two hours.
I haven't had a 'real' alcoholic drink in a year. I am dry, except for a glass of champagne at Christmas, and I out-and-out like it this way. The thirst may not be gone, not quite, but like Evil Clare, it is quieted. I know this could all change in a blink of an eye but I don't think it likely at the moment. Thanks to Craig Ferguson, more than any other single figure, I can see someone who was much worse than me and who not only stopped but stopped properly and became amazing. He is my inspiration in that sense, for my world was previously filled only with people who had lost the battle.
I quit sugar, you know. The great glutton who could plow through more chocolate than an entire kid's birthday party, has quit. It was and is difficult. So I learned to bake. I stand in my kitchen every week or so and make cakes and brownies. I made Rocky Road - infused with Amaretto spirits no less! - for my workpals for my birthday. I stand there and mix chocolate, sugar and alcohol together and don't eat it. Of course, if I was eating it, there'd be none for anyone. I mean, the salsa is indicative of that. I am still a glutton and I hope to stop that but the chocolate has been replaced by tomatoes; the bad drinks by green tea.
For a very long time, I was killing myself in a passive aggressive sort of way. Slowly, from the inside out. I did not quite believe I deserved to be here. Even more slowly than that, I understood that I do deserve to be here. To be honourable, kind, decent, open-hearted, open-minded, to love all the people is to deserve my place on this crumbling ball of rock in the cosmos. To write, to sing and be a refuge for humankind is to deserve to be here.
I deserve to be here. I am going to live and I am going to try to prosper. I am still lazy, still socially quite inept. I am still the kid who can watch nine episodes of Supernatural in a row instead of cleaning. I am still quick to temper. I am still impatient, imperious and a fucking know it all.
But I am alive, and I am trying every single day to become a better version of myself. Almost there.
And tomorrow, I make thirty. In a lot of ways, I assumed I'd never get this far. I looked after myself too badly physically, my mental state was too precarious. I simply couldn't see how I would possibly survive this long.
I did survive. In some small ways, I've even prospered. The human spirit has great capacity for suffering without breaking, the human body has great capacity for healing itself enough to survive.
I'll be thirty tomorrow. The evil voice in my head, quieted but not silenced, tells me that from now I can't wear the wacky vintage clothes i wear - only twentysomethings can pull that off! Well bollocks. I'll wear what the fuck I want to wear when I'm thirty, or ninety or points in between.
I can't tell you I'm cured of my many issues. I made homemade salsa for the first time today - and ate the whole bloody lot even though I'm off to a restaurant for birthday in less than two hours.
I haven't had a 'real' alcoholic drink in a year. I am dry, except for a glass of champagne at Christmas, and I out-and-out like it this way. The thirst may not be gone, not quite, but like Evil Clare, it is quieted. I know this could all change in a blink of an eye but I don't think it likely at the moment. Thanks to Craig Ferguson, more than any other single figure, I can see someone who was much worse than me and who not only stopped but stopped properly and became amazing. He is my inspiration in that sense, for my world was previously filled only with people who had lost the battle.
I quit sugar, you know. The great glutton who could plow through more chocolate than an entire kid's birthday party, has quit. It was and is difficult. So I learned to bake. I stand in my kitchen every week or so and make cakes and brownies. I made Rocky Road - infused with Amaretto spirits no less! - for my workpals for my birthday. I stand there and mix chocolate, sugar and alcohol together and don't eat it. Of course, if I was eating it, there'd be none for anyone. I mean, the salsa is indicative of that. I am still a glutton and I hope to stop that but the chocolate has been replaced by tomatoes; the bad drinks by green tea.
For a very long time, I was killing myself in a passive aggressive sort of way. Slowly, from the inside out. I did not quite believe I deserved to be here. Even more slowly than that, I understood that I do deserve to be here. To be honourable, kind, decent, open-hearted, open-minded, to love all the people is to deserve my place on this crumbling ball of rock in the cosmos. To write, to sing and be a refuge for humankind is to deserve to be here.
I deserve to be here. I am going to live and I am going to try to prosper. I am still lazy, still socially quite inept. I am still the kid who can watch nine episodes of Supernatural in a row instead of cleaning. I am still quick to temper. I am still impatient, imperious and a fucking know it all.
But I am alive, and I am trying every single day to become a better version of myself. Almost there.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 18:14 (UTC)Honestly, I think most of us are lucky to still be here, whether dead by our own hands, our own stupidity, or the environment that surrounds us.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 20:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 21:01 (UTC)You're always a wonderful person, Clare, and I'm happy that you're taking care of yourself! :D Happy early birthday, London Me. I ♥ you, always. :)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 04:47 (UTC)So singing happy birthday to you.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 09:22 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 13:09 (UTC)I think that most everyone has SOMETHING that they have/do/take/whatever which pushes them closer to the grave. I think it's part of human nature, just as living is defined entirely by the inevitability of death. But of course some of those things are more likely to kill you/likely to kill you quicker than others.
The more I look at how I used to 'look after' myself, the more I'm amazed at how bad it was a lot of the time, and how lucky I am not to have - at a minimum - been hospitalised. In some ways, I am paying the price. But I didn't do any of it particularly blind so I live with it, you know?
no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 13:09 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 13:10 (UTC)are you good, me darling?
no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 13:11 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 13:12 (UTC)I like to think/hope that I spent 2011 getting myself into a position to make 2012 the year I've been waiting for since.... don't know if that's true yet but hey!
What did you think of London, and where in Ireland? Sorry to hear you got sick!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 15:04 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 19:22 (UTC)Green tea is still gross. It's very healthy though so am a bit jealous that you like it!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-25 22:58 (UTC)Happy birthday, love. I miss you insanely! ♥
no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 05:17 (UTC)We went by rail to Holyhead, ferry to Dublin,saw some of Dublin but not nearly enough.Had a pre arranged package thing with a rental car and our choice of bed and breakfasts, so it was a great and free feeling wander. There's another place I _have_ to go in Ireland, but can't remember the name, some peninsula that's pretty deserted. I want to go to Finland really badly too.
Let's hope this is a .... I guess for me, a cohesive year would be nice. A lot of the past few years I've felt like a stuffed toy that's losing its stuffing!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-31 00:01 (UTC)So glad to hear you speaking positively about yourself :D