The Ultimate Popstar... Is a dick.

So, it turns out that the highest selling singles artiste in the history of such things in the UK is Cliff Richard. I wish I had the wide-eyed innocence to be surprised, but I suspected it might turn out in such a way. The over-Botoxed Peter Pan of Pop with apparently no sexuality one way or the other and far too much Christianity has sold over 20 million singles since about 1958. Ten million more than Queen at number seven (a solid place in the chart, I feel). The top ten were as follows:

1. Sir Cliff Richard. *snore*
2. The Beatles. *scream*
3. Elvis.
4. Madonna
5. Elton John (although without Candle in the Wind '97, he'd not even make the top ten)
6. Michael Jackson
7. Queen
8. Abba
9. Wings.
10. David Bowie.

For once, I really can't argue with it. Although the rest of the fifty top selling singles popstars are almost uniformly mired in shite (see: Celine Dion, Robbie, Westlife and Phil Collins, none of which are as high as you'd think, fortunately) I am actually quite chuffed with the way the British public have spent their singles money over the years.

Although, I still don't rate the whole show that much. Although it's interesting to see how many records Cliff et al have sold over the years, it's hardly indicative of anything beyond the faddish nature of pop music. So many of the people in the top fifty are there with only one or two singles that became phenomena (like Wet Wet Wet and Bryan Adams with their shitey film songs) and there a a slew of really great bands not there because they did not concentrate on singles. The Who are not there, nor are the Doors or Nirvana or Jimi Hendrix or many bands usually found in good polls. Although it was interesting, this show should not be seen as the be all and end all of the 'best' debate that will never really get resolved.

The singles chart has only ever indicated fashions. Some bands, like the Stones and the Beatles, have sold a lot and remained in fashion a very long time. Some, like Elvis, are there with many different singles. Some are there with one or two sudden hits. It does not really show an ability to last, although most of the highest in the list have done so. It does not indicate the bands and singers we loved who felt the singles charts to be beneath them (some bands, like *cough* Led Zeppelin, wouldn't even release singles in the UK and only in the USA under great record company pressure). It does not show that real fame and talent are not rooted in sales, numbers or mathematical equations but in love, soul, passion and belief. Many of the people in the list have all those things, and they're mostly in the higher end of the chart. But then there's Frank Sinatra at 49, because he'd done a lot of his very best work before the singles charts existed as we know them. It doesn't show bands too controversial or 'difficult' in their own time but who remain a real influence upon musicians and the industry, like Hendrix and the Doors.

But, with all that said, it has reminded me once again exactly why I want to do it myself- I want to move people in the same way that the people on the list have. Except the Bald Antichrist, obviously.

It also reminded me of some things I had forgotten about people in the list. I had forgotten that I have a secret desire to dance around everytime I hear 'D'ya Think I'm Sexy?' by blond twat Rod Stewart even though my answer to his question is always, always NO! I had forgotten that when I was a little girl, I really did love Elvis Presley because I believed my dad when he said he was the king. I had forgotten that in my perhaps foolish inability to get past the shitty movies and rhinestone clad Vegas years I was neglecting the real wonder of Elvis.

I had forgotten that although I can't usually stand Elton 'The Queen Mother' John, he made a couple of songs I do really like: Rocket Man and the original Candle In the Wind. I must admit that Candle in the Wind is the kind of song I wish I could write, wish that I could convey the same sentiments to Marilyn and all my other fallen heroes. But that just means Bernie Taupin (who I've always thought looks eerily like his collaborator Elton) isn't bad, I guess.

I had also forgotten that although I cannot for the life of me stand Sir Cliff BLOODY Richard and his endless preaching and fucking shite music, that he too wasn't too bad in the 1950s, although far too pretty, and not really in a good way. I had forgotten that when I was very young indeed, I liked Cliff a lot. I had forgotten that when I was very young I loved Living Doll and the Young Ones and the fucking Summer Holiday double decker bus.

I had almost entirely forgotten my troubled relationship with Abba. I wish it had stayed that way.

I had not forgotten that I love Queen and the Beatles and David Bowie.
I had not forgotten the British public's ability to be suckered into buying some of the worst music ever put on wax disc (see: Spice Bints, Boney M, Robbie 'Loft Lagging' Williams, Boyzone and Engelbert Humperdinck.)

I remain totally narked by people's inability to accept Paul McCartney's Rupert Bear collaboration 'The Frog Chorus' as the great masterpiece it so obviously is.

I did not know, by the way, that Engelbert Humperdinck (who managed to get to 46) was even fucking English. He's from Leicester. I had thought all these years that he was some maniacal American shitehawk who came here to sell his tired poppy wares. Turns out we foisted the orange bewigged one upon you lot. Serves you right for giving the world country music, in my opinion. Engelbert Humperdinck has actually been Cockney rhyming slang for years- Humperdinck= stink. Usage: "Cor, it don't half Engelbert in here'.

So in conclusion, I suppose it helped remind me that with many of the artists I don't really like, there's often something somewhere lurking in their back catalogue that I can get with. This is only true with people with genuine talent, so I really do hate and despise Westlife, Robbie, Celine and the Spice Tarts for all their transgressions. For all my Rock Geek bravado, I will always admit that Elton, Rod Stewart and a couple of the others I can't really stand at least have a certain amount of talent, even if they're not my cup of tea.

I also swear that there was a framed picture of Robert Plant up on the wall behind Paul Gambaccini (American pop critic my dad has actually met) during his clips. It was out of focus, so I couldn't tell, but it looked v. familiar and was v. distracting so it probably was.

Also: I need to find shops in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne that sell crazy clothes including but not limited to the following: purple velvet suits, sparkly/shiny platform boots, catsuits and mad shirts made from lurid coloured satin. I am actually not kidding.

The Ultimate Popstar... Is a dick.

So, it turns out that the highest selling singles artiste in the history of such things in the UK is Cliff Richard. I wish I had the wide-eyed innocence to be surprised, but I suspected it might turn out in such a way. The over-Botoxed Peter Pan of Pop with apparently no sexuality one way or the other and far too much Christianity has sold over 20 million singles since about 1958. Ten million more than Queen at number seven (a solid place in the chart, I feel). The top ten were as follows:

1. Sir Cliff Richard. *snore*
2. The Beatles. *scream*
3. Elvis.
4. Madonna
5. Elton John (although without Candle in the Wind '97, he'd not even make the top ten)
6. Michael Jackson
7. Queen
8. Abba
9. Wings.
10. David Bowie.

For once, I really can't argue with it. Although the rest of the fifty top selling singles popstars are almost uniformly mired in shite (see: Celine Dion, Robbie, Westlife and Phil Collins, none of which are as high as you'd think, fortunately) I am actually quite chuffed with the way the British public have spent their singles money over the years.

Although, I still don't rate the whole show that much. Although it's interesting to see how many records Cliff et al have sold over the years, it's hardly indicative of anything beyond the faddish nature of pop music. So many of the people in the top fifty are there with only one or two singles that became phenomena (like Wet Wet Wet and Bryan Adams with their shitey film songs) and there a a slew of really great bands not there because they did not concentrate on singles. The Who are not there, nor are the Doors or Nirvana or Jimi Hendrix or many bands usually found in good polls. Although it was interesting, this show should not be seen as the be all and end all of the 'best' debate that will never really get resolved.

The singles chart has only ever indicated fashions. Some bands, like the Stones and the Beatles, have sold a lot and remained in fashion a very long time. Some, like Elvis, are there with many different singles. Some are there with one or two sudden hits. It does not really show an ability to last, although most of the highest in the list have done so. It does not indicate the bands and singers we loved who felt the singles charts to be beneath them (some bands, like *cough* Led Zeppelin, wouldn't even release singles in the UK and only in the USA under great record company pressure). It does not show that real fame and talent are not rooted in sales, numbers or mathematical equations but in love, soul, passion and belief. Many of the people in the list have all those things, and they're mostly in the higher end of the chart. But then there's Frank Sinatra at 49, because he'd done a lot of his very best work before the singles charts existed as we know them. It doesn't show bands too controversial or 'difficult' in their own time but who remain a real influence upon musicians and the industry, like Hendrix and the Doors.

But, with all that said, it has reminded me once again exactly why I want to do it myself- I want to move people in the same way that the people on the list have. Except the Bald Antichrist, obviously.

It also reminded me of some things I had forgotten about people in the list. I had forgotten that I have a secret desire to dance around everytime I hear 'D'ya Think I'm Sexy?' by blond twat Rod Stewart even though my answer to his question is always, always NO! I had forgotten that when I was a little girl, I really did love Elvis Presley because I believed my dad when he said he was the king. I had forgotten that in my perhaps foolish inability to get past the shitty movies and rhinestone clad Vegas years I was neglecting the real wonder of Elvis.

I had forgotten that although I can't usually stand Elton 'The Queen Mother' John, he made a couple of songs I do really like: Rocket Man and the original Candle In the Wind. I must admit that Candle in the Wind is the kind of song I wish I could write, wish that I could convey the same sentiments to Marilyn and all my other fallen heroes. But that just means Bernie Taupin (who I've always thought looks eerily like his collaborator Elton) isn't bad, I guess.

I had also forgotten that although I cannot for the life of me stand Sir Cliff BLOODY Richard and his endless preaching and fucking shite music, that he too wasn't too bad in the 1950s, although far too pretty, and not really in a good way. I had forgotten that when I was very young indeed, I liked Cliff a lot. I had forgotten that when I was very young I loved Living Doll and the Young Ones and the fucking Summer Holiday double decker bus.

I had almost entirely forgotten my troubled relationship with Abba. I wish it had stayed that way.

I had not forgotten that I love Queen and the Beatles and David Bowie.
I had not forgotten the British public's ability to be suckered into buying some of the worst music ever put on wax disc (see: Spice Bints, Boney M, Robbie 'Loft Lagging' Williams, Boyzone and Engelbert Humperdinck.)

I remain totally narked by people's inability to accept Paul McCartney's Rupert Bear collaboration 'The Frog Chorus' as the great masterpiece it so obviously is.

I did not know, by the way, that Engelbert Humperdinck (who managed to get to 46) was even fucking English. He's from Leicester. I had thought all these years that he was some maniacal American shitehawk who came here to sell his tired poppy wares. Turns out we foisted the orange bewigged one upon you lot. Serves you right for giving the world country music, in my opinion. Engelbert Humperdinck has actually been Cockney rhyming slang for years- Humperdinck= stink. Usage: "Cor, it don't half Engelbert in here'.

So in conclusion, I suppose it helped remind me that with many of the artists I don't really like, there's often something somewhere lurking in their back catalogue that I can get with. This is only true with people with genuine talent, so I really do hate and despise Westlife, Robbie, Celine and the Spice Tarts for all their transgressions. For all my Rock Geek bravado, I will always admit that Elton, Rod Stewart and a couple of the others I can't really stand at least have a certain amount of talent, even if they're not my cup of tea.

I also swear that there was a framed picture of Robert Plant up on the wall behind Paul Gambaccini (American pop critic my dad has actually met) during his clips. It was out of focus, so I couldn't tell, but it looked v. familiar and was v. distracting so it probably was.

Also: I need to find shops in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne that sell crazy clothes including but not limited to the following: purple velvet suits, sparkly/shiny platform boots, catsuits and mad shirts made from lurid coloured satin. I am actually not kidding.